soul searching.

Ive been looking at this blank page for a while. I have so many thoughts lately it's hard to put them down in one quaint little message. It's hard to sort all the confusing twists and turns of your mind to make sense. If I could organize my thoughts and words so perfectly, maybe I wouldn't need to soul search.

Over the past couple of days, I have been thinking a lot about the places in my life I have been, the things Ive experienced, and where I will be 5, 10, 30 years down the road. I don't mean just little thought bubbles, I mean it's on my mind, all the time. When I'm at work, when I'm in the shower, when I'm trying to fall asleep at night..god, even when I'm watching TV.
I desperately need to make sense of these thoughts, so I can get a little sleep at night.

Where I have been:
When I think of my past, I mainly think of the people who I used to be so close with who have since moved away and I haven't spoken with in months. I miss a few certain people a lot. People who used to be a part of my life every single day are suddenly gone - mainly because I moved out of Halifax. All of James' best friends live here, but I often feel I have nobody. I know that I do have great friends, AMAZING friends.. but they're there, and I'm here.

Where I am:
Now, on to my present. I live in a beautiful little minihome in the country. I have my own car (finally) and a great job. Monday to Friday, great hours, vacation, it's awesome. All of these things are wonderful, I am truly blessed to be able to buy my own car and pay all my student loans at age 22. I'm so lucky to live where I live, and have all the things and people in my life that I have. My biggest concern about my present, however, is that it has become a routine. There's no excitement, no spur-of-the-moment, no FUN. When you work every day, and have no friends to spend time with when you ARENT at work, you begin to feel very lonely. All of my friends are in the city, and I just feel like I need more. let me put it this way -- I work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Get home Friday, and James is on his way out the door to play cards and have drinks with the boys. So I pour a glass of wine, put on a movie, grab a blanket. He says he'll be home around midnight, and to wait up for him. I try to, but I fall asleep. I wake up Saturday morning and he's not home yet. He ended up having such a good time they decided to all go out. Im still home. Saturday comes around and it's time to get the groceries, run errands, clean the house, the usual thing. By the time everything is done on my to-do list, it's time for supper. We eat, watch a movie, maybe go for a walk or a drive, then it's evening. Sunday we usually just tour around. That's my week.

No friends to hang out with, they're all in the city. I know that James is here, but he has ALL of his best friends here in Antigonish. I only have him. I have TONNES of my friends in Halifax, but in order to live in the city, I'd have to leave my family and my job behind. I can't do that. They are too important to me. I NEED this job to pay for my car and my student loan.

I found an old journal today and started sifting through the pages and I realized just how much I've changed in the past 5 years. I'm not the same person at all. I used to live for my friends. I used to go out every Friday, Saturday, and even weekdays. Now I feel like Im alone, and Friday nights consist of sitting on the couch alone. I try to keep my mind occupied with other things, but I know the truth - this town is dead. It's BEAUTIFUL, and Im very thankful for have all the wonderful people and things that I have, but I know I want to live in Halifax. I want to move to the city and see everyone I care about. If I'm alone on Friday night, I want to know that there are 20 people who are just a call away. And I can just get up and go. Maybe I'm starting to feel like a 40 year old in a 22 year olds body. Maybe I feel like I have SO much life to live, but no place to live it, and no people to live it with. If anyone ever says, "I wonder if this is it?" needs to do some soul searching. Figure out what to do. Where to go. I need an action plan.

Im a loser.

To be continued..